Facing Cancer and Loss: Reflections on Family Bonds

Since March of 2022 I have lost two siblings, Larry to Covid-19 and Becky to pancreatic cancer, and now within this past month two brothers have become gravely ill. And others have serious health issues that they live with on the daily. This is life in middle age.

I love being from a big family – there’s more love – but the downside is there’s more to lose. And, I’m not ready. I haven’t been ready since this started three and a half years ago. My own cancer diagnosis happened along the way. I’m still fighting every day as I swallow my cancer meds daily to keep the beast at bay. I’m tired. I ache for the yesterdays filled with smiles and laughter with my siblings all around. It’s hard to remain positive.

Chris is worried about me. He’s worried about the impact of stress on my health. I know I get impossibly driven, particularly when it comes to family, putting myself aside for them. It’s just how I’m built. But what would anyone else do?

I gut wrenchingly feel both of my brother’s fear, both of them trying to make it easier for me in different ways pushing away. I don’t need it to be easier. I love my tribes – there is no place I’d rather be than making their lives a little bit easier – for both my family and chosen people.

Here I am again wearing my heart on my sleeve. It’s a dark, rainy morning with cold pelts of water against the window that mid November brings – impending dark days ahead. Holidays are rapidly approaching. And I’m in a funk. I will not be escaping to the beach. I’m nesting – a little too much in the feels, remembering, vacillating on the complex relationships siblings have.

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