Older Siblings: The Unsung Role Models in Our Lives

How Big Brothers and Sisters Shape Who We Become

As Angie and I discussed this, she pointed out what seems obvious and yet not obvious, that indeed the older ones did not grow up with us. But the fact is that we grew up with them as an integral part of our lives. She rattled off many holidays and key events, and we both went down memory lane. And then she asked me to do something important – write about it.

A Glimpse of the Top Five

• Sibling #1 served as a role model for 70s alternative lifestyle for the time, with her emphasis on health and the traditional nuclear family. Healthy eating and running marathons was novel then. Her love of Prevention, NOVA, and Star Trek populated my mind with existential questions that she answered. And there were her coveted original vinyl Beatles collection that I was forbidden to touch when I stayed at her house that I so wanted to submerge myself into. Although she was living a traditional life, she is a radical feminist who put books into my eleven-year-old hands to read – Our Bodies Ourselves, The Sensuous Man, The Sensuous Woman, along with Ms. Magazine. She thought that if I was old enough to ask, I was old enough to have real answers. I loved her for that. It was through her that I learned about gender politics, family history, and anything I wanted a serious answer to. And later in my early twenties, driving her to the health food store and Crazy Ladies Bookstore until I taught her to drive and being her note taker translator when she went back to school, I had the opportunity to give back to her. That’s just a drop in the bucket of what she gave me. When I wanted to discuss relationship issues or casually chat she was my first call for years.
• Sibling #2 was a Mary Tyler Moore type career woman who was put on a pedestal by our mother to emulate and aspire to. Staying the night with her and going into her office was a window into the world of possibility. Every year the day before Christmas Eve, Angie and I would stay at her very cool grown-up apartment where she would do our hair and we would have the greatest time doing a sleepover. This sister is the one who plucked my thick eyebrows as was the fashion of the time. In my fifties post cancer treatment, I’d love to have some of those eyebrows back please! It was with this sister that I had years of closeness with during my second marriage. I was the family she needed post her divorce. I felt a pull to be like her but also have a family. We aligned through spirituality and career drive even though I stepped out of my career for a number of years to raise children.
• Sibling #3 gave the most awesome, annoying to adults, Christmas and birthday presents – i.e. squirt guns, ray guns, Jarts, Sockem Boppers, etc.. He has a penchant for engaging kids in healthy, competitive fun. He got us into sports, coaching us in tennis. He also gave us shielding stability when we stayed with him and his girlfriend during our mother’s open-heart surgery. This guy has a strong moral code and a wicked sense of humor. He also has a soft side that he doesn’t often show. I am here to say we see your good heart and are the better for it. He doesn’t suffer fools or drama – steering as far away as possible from it.
• Sibling #4 actually lived in the house with us in our early childhood until marriage took him to California. And then again in my teens. He was the source of irreverent fun, bawdy stories, and fierce protectiveness. There were late nights watching Bob Shreve’s Past Prime Playhouse and the original Saturday Night Live. This brother came home from California with an Atari system for us when I was thirteen – very cool. I got peeks into adulthood with him that would not have been possible with the others – stuff I will not reveal on the internet. (Thanking God this GenX’s youth did not exist with social media.)
• Step-brother #1, who I wrote and posted a eulogy for a couple of years ago modeled intelligence, artistry and music. We watched him perform on stage in the John Davidson Road Show in Chillicothe, Ohio – a big road trip for us as children. He was a Harley driving musician who could play guitar as good as Clapton but took a pivot to being an IT family man, choosing family over a music career. Although he played in bands, solo, and did studio work the remainder of his life, his life was dedicated to his family first.

The others have played key roles in our lives, too. But both Angie and I feel that these oldest five need to hear their impact on us. Maybe I’ll write about the others some other time.

Emotional Bonds

This is a difficult post to write because since 2018 when my mother passed our family connections have disintegrated – although the drift had been going on for years. We are a family of too many sharp edges. But both Angie and I want our siblings to know that we miss them and love them beyond words. Even through the worst days, once upon a time we were a family that stuck together.

I feel like I’m failing a promise to mom that she asked me before her passing – try to keep the family together. I did that through 30 years of hosting Thanksgivings and Christmas’s (not every single one – for the critics among my siblings). She wanted me to be the custodian of our family memories – her and our grandmother’s photos, something I don’t take lightly. It took a few years because of the grief and conflict surrounding her passing, but I started a group text where there has been some sharing, some squabbling, and some attempts at gatherings that have not happened. Then there is mostly silence on the group thread – with a feeling of silent judging except for a few of us younger ones.

As the family historian I have been bristled against for documented facts versus memory, DNA results versus the family story. And their authority versus perpetually being seen as a child, even though both Angie and I are well into our fifties.

The thing about my family is that we all got a particular trait from our mother, whether if we were raised with her and each other, or not – a firm belief that we are right, and the others are wrong. I personally, particularly in my younger years, dug my heels in with the truth as I saw it, as have all of my siblings. But there is so much more to this than that. I know that there are many other families like ours. We’re far from unique. There’s just more of us. And ours is what we have. As my brother Paul has texted the group many times – we are a great family.

The Influence of Older Siblings

Growing up in a household with an older sibling means having a built-in mentor. From childhood through adolescence, younger siblings tend to observe and imitate their older counterparts. Angie and I had plenty to choose from being the youngest two of a baker’s dozen plus one. Whether it’s learning how to ride a bike, navigate friendships, or cope with life’s challenges, older siblings often set the tone. Ours did, weighing in with their opinions on everything in our lives. Older siblings serve as everyday examples, showing what’s possible – and sometimes, what to avoid.

Lessons Learned from Big Brothers and Sisters

• Responsibility: Older siblings often take on more responsibilities at home, such as helping with chores or looking after younger siblings. Their actions teach the importance of accountability and reliability.
• Resilience: Watching an older sibling face setbacks can be a valuable lesson in perseverance and emotional strength. Setbacks could include failing at school or dealing with disappointment. It is particularly impactful when they later pivot and correct their course.
• Independence: Older brothers and sisters are usually the first to venture into new territory, whether that’s starting high school, getting a driver’s license, or landing a first job. Their experiences pave the way for younger siblings, offering guidance and reassurance.
• Decision-Making: Seeing them make choices, both good and bad, helps younger siblings develop critical thinking skills and learning from their mistakes and successes as someone they trust.

Setting Examples – Good and Bad

Older siblings aren’t perfect, and their influence isn’t always positive. Sometimes, their mistakes become cautionary tales. But even those moments are valuable, offering real-life lessons in consequences and growth. The key is that younger siblings have a front-row seat to the ups and downs of someone they admire, fostering empathy, understanding, and learning through observation.

Angie and I have had that in spades with all of our older siblings. We both hold close in our hearts deep gratitude and love for every single one of them. We don’t always say it, and sometimes have criticized them like additional parents we did not ask for, but we both agree that we would not change coming from the family we do because of the lucky richness we’ve had because of being from a huge family.

Final Thoughts

The oldest three have crossed 70 although in my mind they are still in their 20s and 30s when I think about them, with sibling 4 not far behind. With the loss of two siblings over the past four years, it feels more acute – aging. My oldest sister said to me when I was in my late teens or early twenties that she felt sorry me, her son (11 months younger than I am), and Angie. I asked her why. She said that we were going to have to witness the loss of all of them. She told me that it was easier being her. She fully expected to be the first to go. When Becky was dying of pancreatic cancer in 2023, she told her that she couldn’t do that – it was out of order.

What I know for sure is that it will be unbearable grief if or when that time comes. I don’t know what the future holds any more than anyone else does. There’s no guarantee that my cancer will not return and take me or that another of my siblings will have some catastrophic illness and pass before the four oldest still remaining. There’s a part of me that wishes them longer lives because the thought of them not being in the world with me is unthinkable.

#AgingTogether #CherishedMemories #FamilyBond #FamilyLessons #GenX #Gratitude #GrowingUp #LifeLessons #LossAndGrief #Resilience #SiblingLove