10 New Years Resolutions to Give Up on Before You Start

It’s that time of year again, when we all make promises to ourselves that we know we won’t keep. But why bother with the guilt and disappointment of failing at your goals, when you can just give up on them before you even start? Here are 10 New Year’s Resolutions that you should ditch right now and save yourself some trouble.

1. Lose weight. Come on, you know you love your curves. And who wants to spend hours at the gym, sweating and starving, when you can just enjoy life and eat whatever you want? Plus, think of all the money you’ll save on diet books, supplements, and gym memberships.
2. Quit smoking. Sure, smoking is bad for you, but so is stress. And nothing relieves stress like a nice puff of nicotine. Besides, quitting is hard, and you don’t need that kind of pressure in your life. Just light up and relax, you deserve it.
3. Learn a new skill. Learning is overrated. Who has time to read a book, watch tutorials, or take classes, when you can just binge-watch Netflix or scroll through social media? You already know enough to get by, why bother with more?
4. Travel more. Traveling is expensive, exhausting, and risky. You never know what kind of troubles you might encounter, or what kind of germs you might catch. Plus, there’s no place like home, right? Why leave your comfort zone, when you can just stay on your cozy couch and watch the world on TV?
5. Save money. Saving money is boring. You work hard for your money, you should spend it on things that make you happy. Life is short, why not treat yourself to some nice clothes, gadgets, or experiences? You can always make more money later, or borrow some if you need to.
6. Be more organized. Organization is overrated. Who needs a tidy desk, a clean house, or a clear schedule, when you can just wing it and go with the flow? Chaos is more fun, and more creative. Plus, think of all the time you’ll save by not sorting, filing, or planning anything.
7. Be more positive. Positivity is overrated. Sometimes life sucks, and there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that. Why force yourself to smile, when you can just vent your frustrations and complain about everything? It’s more honest, and more cathartic.
8. Spend more time with family and friends. Family and friends are annoying. They always want something from you, or judge you for your choices, or bore you with their stories. Why waste your precious time with them, when you can just enjoy some peace and quiet by yourself?
9. Read more books. Books are boring. They’re long, dull, and full of words that you don’t understand or care about. Why strain your eyes and your brain, when you can just watch a movie or play a video game that tells you everything you need to know in a more entertaining way?
10. Make a difference in the world. Making a difference is hard. The world is full of problems that are too big and complex for one person to solve. Why bother trying to help others, when you can just focus on yourself and your own happiness?

Disclaimer: This is satire, if you haven’t figured it out yet.