I had a rough night last night. Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I have been feeling a bit separate from everything, not that time has stopped for me but more that I am an observer to what is happening around me. I have been witnessing other people’s reactions in those that I’ve told. I’ve had feelings but nothing over the top. Maybe I have been in some denial about the life changing seriousness that I’m dealing with. I’ve been okay. But I hadn’t felt any anxiety or fear about having cancer until last night.
The hubs and I had a nice dinner after work and were binge watching Suits on Netflix when anxiety just washed over me for what seemed like no reason. I felt like I need to jump from the couch and sprint outside around the block. I was sitting in that for about 30 minutes before I said something to him.
Maybe is the waiting that’s getting to me. The earliest I could get in to see the surgeon is the 11th of September. So, I still have another week to wait. Maybe it’s that I am feeling trapped and powerless that this thing inside my body is there and there is no way out of the fact that I have breast cancer. Maybe it’s fear that I may not make it through this. Maybe it’s all of the above.
I texted my siblings on our group text that I was feeling scared and vulnerable and asked them to text back jokes or what’s going on in their lives. One of my brothers, Mike, texted about a project that he has going on. My younger sister called me and I spent three hours on the phone with her last night talking about all kinds of random things. It helped.
I’d really like to hang with my oldest brother John because with him the focus will be on the activity, and I won’t have to think or talk about the cancer. But he has been radio silent since I told my sibs about it. I know it’s hard for him.
I just need to reach out and make a plan but it’s hard because I am so fatigued. In my head I have all these things that I want to accomplish before surgery. The reality is that to get through my workday I have to take a nap at lunch and after work I’m so wiped out that I veg and fall asleep on the couch even before dinner is ready. I’ve only been sleeping 4 to 5 hours a night since the beginning of July.
I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m feeling. I’ve been overwhelmed with information. Maybe it will help to go to the new patient / new diagnosis orientation at the cancer center that I’m signed up to attend this coming Tuesday.
I just want the f!@#$%^ cancer gone.!!
Our Humble Road 
Time must feel like it’s crawling besides having to wait until the 11th for your appointment! People say “stay positive!” But I imagine that can be difficult. Do you meditate or do yoga to relax – would that help?
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I have been doing yoga and meditation for years. I was told to do as little exercising and stretching until I see the surgeon because of the proximity of the tumor to my chest wall. My yoga teacher also is a Reiki master. I did a session with her last weekend. When I get the okay, I will go back to yoga. I have been doing meditation and positive visualization. It is hard to stay positive and I’m definitely going to fight. Thanks, Nancy.
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I will be following your progress.
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