Diversions: Ancient History Edition

So, I have some eye surgeries coming up thanks to chemo and steroid side effects (see my previous post for the gory details). To keep my mind off of it, I’m diving headfirst into random distractions. And guess what? You’re all coming along for the ride! So, buckle up.

This time, I am exploring some of my favorite binges like Outlander and Vikings. Plus, I’ve been down a YouTube rabbit hole for years now. Seriously, do the algorithms know me or what? One thing led to another, and here we are, with a bunch of random notes and a burning curiosity.

An American’s Highland Romp Through History

^{Battles, Bagpipes, and Bravehearts: Why Scotland’s Past Is More Entertaining Than You Think}

We are wading through the bogs and brambles of Scottish history. We have nothing but a wry grin, a rainproof cloak, and a keen appreciation for questionable cuisine. Have you ever wondered how a nation famed for both its poetic soul and its love for deep-fried food found its place in the world? Pour yourself a dram. Settle in for a journey as wild as the Highlands themselves.

The Early Days: When Pants Were Optional

Let’s start at the very beginning—way back when Scotland was less a country and more a collection of rocks, rain clouds, and very sturdy people. In these ancient days, tribes called the Picts roamed the land, which is a fancy way of saying they mostly hung about in the mist, painting themselves blue and scaring off anyone who dared to criticize their lack of trousers.

The Romans, those overachievers of antiquity, tried to conquer Scotland but got as far as Hadrian’s Wall before deciding it was far too cold and the locals were far too fond of running at them with sharp objects. So, they built a wall and left the Scots to their own devices—never underestimate the power of Scottish weather to repel invaders.

Medieval Mayhem: Castles, Clans, and Clever Sheep

Fast forward a few centuries and you’ve got yourself a motley crew of clans, each with their own tartans, castles, and grudges that could last longer than your average Scottish winter (which is to say: forever). If you think your family drama is bad, imagine living in a glen where the MacDonalds and Campbells are at it again, arguing over sheep, land, and whose shortbread recipe reigns supreme.

But the real fun kicks off with one William Wallace. Yes, that William Wallace—the one Mel Gibson played, only with more blue face paint and fewer historically accurate kilts. Wallace became a folk hero for leading his countrymen against the English at the Battle of Stirling Bridge, proving that nothing unites the Scots like a good scrap with their southern neighbors.

Of course, as with most Scottish heroes, things didn’t end so well for Wallace. But he set a trend for centuries of glorious defiance.

Robert the Bruce: Spider-Man of Scotland

If William Wallace was the heart of Scottish rebellion, Robert the Bruce was the head—a cunning strategist who seemed to have learned everything he knew about perseverance from a spider. Legend has it that Bruce, hiding out in a cave and contemplating his next move, watched a spider try (and fail, repeatedly) to spin its web. After many valiant attempts, the spider succeeded, and Bruce took this as a sign to keep fighting. The rest, as they say, is history—specifically, the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314, where Bruce’s army sent the English packing.

The lesson? Never underestimate a man inspired by arachnids.

Highland Hijinks and the Great Kilt Debate

Let’s talk kilts. Yes, they’re real. Yes, they’re worn with pride. And no, the answer to what’s worn underneath is still “nothing but the best Scottish spirit.” The Highlanders, proud and fearsome, roamed the misty glens in their tartans, allegedly able to identify each other by the exact shade of plaid—though it might’ve just been an excuse to gossip about who was wearing last season’s colors.

By the 18th century, the British government, clearly not fans of fashion-forward statements, banned kilts and tartans after the Jacobite uprisings. The result? Secret wardrobe parties and, eventually, one of the greatest comebacks in the history of fabric.

Bagpipes: The Ancient Scottish Wi-Fi

No tale of Scotland is complete without a mention of the bagpipes—the musical instrument that doubles as both a symbol of national pride and an effective deterrent for wild animals and certain relatives. Bagpipes are said to have been played on the battlefield, at weddings, funerals, and, most importantly, at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning, just to remind everyone who’s boss.

Scottish Cuisine: Not for the Faint of Heart

Hungry yet? Scotland’s history isn’t just written in blood and tartan, but also in butter, offal, and the unwavering belief that anything can be improved by deep frying. Haggis, the national dish, is a delightful concoction made of sheep’s heart, liver, and lungs—seasoned, stuffed into a sheep’s stomach, and served with a generous helping of poetry.

Let’s not forget the infamous deep-fried Mars bar—a culinary innovation that has baffled nutritionists and delighted teenagers since the 1990s. Wash it all down with Irn-Bru, an orange fizzy drink so beloved that it’s considered a suitable substitute for water, breakfast, or heartbreak.

Inventors, Poets, and Possibly a Loch Monster

Scots have contributed more than just questionable delicacies to the world. They gave us the telephone (thanks, Alexander Graham Bell), televisions (cheers, John Logie Baird), and penicillin (Robert Fleming, who probably just wanted an excuse not to eat haggis). And then there’s Robert Burns, whose poetry has inspired generations to toast, sing, and attempt to understand 18th-century Scots dialect.

Of course, no discussion of Scotland would be complete without the Loch Ness Monster—a mysterious creature said to lurk in the depths of Loch Ness. Is Nessie real? Scientists say no, but tourism boards and souvenir shops are keeping hope (and plush toys) alive.

Modern Scotland: Tartan with a Twist

Today’s Scotland is a vibrant blend of ancient tradition and modern innovation. Edinburgh’s Fringe Festival attracts comedians and thespians from around the globe, while Glasgow’s music scene is as rowdy and eclectic as a ceilidh at midnight (for us Sassenach’s that’s akin to a rave with Celtic music and storytelling). The national parliament is back in Edinburgh, and the debate over independence is as spirited as ever—proving that the Scots never miss an opportunity for a good argument, especially if whisky is involved.

And let’s not forget golf, invented on the windswept links of St Andrews by people who clearly believed that hitting tiny balls into even tinier holes would one day become wildly popular (and a good excuse for wearing plaid trousers in public).

A Toast to Scotland’s Laughs and Legends

So here’s to Scotland: land of rugged hills, resilient people, and a history as rich as its shortbread. If there’s one thing that stands out through the centuries, it’s the Scottish ability to face adversity with a wink, a joke, and the occasional bagpipe solo.

May your kilts stay pleated, your tartan always match, and your sense of humor never be banished (even if your diet tries to be). Slàinte mhath (good health), which is what I’m hoping for myself and all of you.

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