It’s been hot here – like Dante’s circles. The air is thick and damp. It’s difficult to move from place to place. The heat taxes vehicles so much that they barely cool. This is summer in the lower Midwest / upper south subtropic climate that is Northern Kentucky USA.
The sun has decided to park itself directly overhead like an overenthusiastic spotlight operator. And we’re just living in a slow-roasting oven set to “crispy.”
Here are my thoughts on how to survive a heatwave when eveyone insists on functioning like it’s NOT 400 degrees outside.
- Pretend Hydration Is Personality
- Carry a water bottle so large it doubles as a free weight.
- Bonus points if it has motivational sayings like “You’re doing great!” while you contemplate evaporating.
- Re-brand Sweating as Detoxing
- No need to go to a sauna after a rough weekend. Just step outside.
- You’re not dripping with sweat – you’re engaging in a full-body cleanse.
- It’s not heat exhaustion, it’s holistic wellness through spontaneous perspiration.
- Sleep? During This Boil-a-thon?
- Try to sleep when your bedroom feels like a convection oven.
- Wrap yourself in a damp towel like a sad sushi roll and pray to the gods of central air. (They have unfortunately forsaken us in our house and window units just doing do the job for this cancer patient who is in forced medication menopause, like the first time naturally was not enough.)
- Fashionably Melting
- Summer fashion tip: no one will notice your clothes if you’ve melted into a puddle.
- But go ahead – wear linen. It’s breathable, in theory. In reality, it becomes a clingy heat trap the minute you step outside.
- Air Conditioner Wars
- Set the thermostat to 68 degrees F. Bask in the passive-aggressive glory. Meanwhile, your spouse or roommates will quietly boil or freeze.
- Remember: whoever touches the dial must answer to the ancient gods of shared utilities and the wrath of the hottest.
- Outdoor Activities Are For the Damned
- Oh, you’re going for a “fun hike”? Sure, Susan. Let me know how the mirage of a Dairy Queen at mile three pans out for you.
- Embrace the Ice-Based Lifestyle
- IF it’s not frozen, it’s not worth eating. Ice cream for dinner? Sure. Frozen grapes as currency? Absolutely. Air conditioner Popsicle? We’re working on it.
- Summon the Spirit of a Victorian Ghost
- Drape yourself in a damp sheet. Float listlessly through your home. Wail about “the unbearable heat of this earthly realm.”
- Bonus: your neighbors might stop asking you to garden.
- Declare the Floor Your New Best Friend
- Who needs furniture? Tile is cold. Tile understands you. Sprawl dramatically on it like a tragic Shakespearean heroine waiting for a cool breeze that never comes.
- DIY Arctic Research Station (a.k.a. Your Fridge)
- Stick your head in the freezer and pretend you’re bravely gathering climate data in the tundra. Narrate it in a David Attenborough voice for maximum scientific credibility.
- Start a Cult of the Box Fan
- Arrange a circle of fans, sit cross-legged in the center, and chant things like “Oh sacred oscillation, bringeth forth thy breeze.” Hand out Popsicle sticks as relics to new initiates.
- Re-brand Laziness as a Heat Management Strategy
- Lie completely still and refer to it as “minimizing kinetic output to reduce thermal load.” People will respect your commitment to physics (and naps).
- Convert to a Nocturnal Lifestyle
- Sunlight? Never heard of her. The new best life happens between 10 pm and 4 am. It’s like being a cryptid with a fan and a spray bottle. Begin calling coffee “moon juice.”
- Become a Human Ceiling Fan
- Attach a lazy Susan to a helmet, add some cardboard blades, and spin every so often to convince yourself you’re doing something about the heat. Who needs dignity when there’s airflow?
We are not surviving the heatwave. Instead, we are surrendering to it gloriously. We clutch our half-melted Dairy Queen treats. We stream sweat like the summer warriors we never asked to be. 🔥🔥🔥
If we’re going down in flames, we might as well go down dramatically. Let’s fan ourselves with a takeout menu and clutch a lukewarm Diet Dr. Pepper, and take a ride in the country.
Our Humble Road 