How it feels to have cancer…

There’s an unreal-ness to having the diagnosis, even now, nearly six months in, there’s a separateness for me like it’s not really real. I know it’s real but maybe it’s more of a lack of acceptance. I just keep doing the next thing but I’m aware of this otherness.

It feels like all the beautiful pieces of life are flying around me and I’m trying to catch them into a permanent place in myself. When I video chat with my granddaughter and see her face light up when she talks to me. And when I see my oldest laugh, I try to catch the sound to remain in my permanent memory, how it rolls up from their chest. And I do feel it, but I also feel outside of it, like I can’t quite capture what is fleeting.

I feel supported but sometimes feel alone. It’s a battle inside my body. It doesn’t help that because I’m in the middle of chemo, immune compromised, so I can’t be around people. It’s just too risky. And I hope the chemo and the radiation work, but I don’ want to have my hopes too high. And I know my dear husband is right in it with me every step of the way and I have family and friends rooting for me.